


Satisfied Enough

by McL0vin



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bittersweet Ending, Crying, F/M, Gay John Laurens, Hugs, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Sad John Laurens, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21997429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McL0vin/pseuds/McL0vin
Summary: John Laurens knows he can never be with Hamilton. He's accepted it. He thought he had moved onBut why does it hurt so much to see Hamilton choose to spend the rest of his life with someone that's not him?
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	Satisfied Enough

"To the groom! To the bride!" Everyone cheered at Angelica's beautiful toast to the newlyweds, smiling, even tearing up a little. But one person couldn't find it in his heart to cheer or even fake a smile. Tears did come to John Laurens's eyes, but for different reasons than those of everyone else. His vision blurred, everything becoming a mess of colors, light, and sound.  
He ran. He couldn't take it anymore. Laurens couldn't watch Hamilton, the man he loved, kiss someone else. He couldn't watch him marry someone else. He wasn't sure he could watch him spend the rest of his life with someone else. "Eliza," Laurens spat. "His beautiful new wife."  
Had Hamilton's letters to him meant nothing?  
Laurens knew he could never be with Hamilton in that way, but to watch him be with someone else for the rest of his life was something Laurens never could have prepared himself for. To see Hamilton choose her over him. He’d been foolish to hope it wouldn’t come down to this.  
His legs felt weak, his knees not wanting to support his weight anymore. He collapsed on the grass, allowing tears to pour down his face. He knew he looked pathetic but he couldn't find it within himself to care.  
"I'll never be satisfied, not while he's with her. No one knows I love him. No one will ever know."  
Not far off, Angelica whispered the same words.  
Laurens did what he always did; wiped his tears and pushed down his feelings. As on the battlefield, he had to cut his losses and keep on fighting. He heard the drunken wedding party singing the same song he had sung the night he met Hamilton. 

"We'll tell the story of tonight..."

"Quite the story," Laurens thought bitterly as he sat on the grass alone, not knowing where to go. He figured anywhere would be good as long as he could get his hands on a strong drink. He was considering heading to a bar or two when he heard footsteps from behind him. He turned.  
"Laurens!"  
Damn. It was Hamilton.  
"What are you doing all the way over here? I've been looking for you."  
Laurens swallowed. He couldn't tell the truth. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't. Not if he hoped to keep Alexander as at least a friend. So he made something up. "I was feeling a bit lightheaded, probably had a bit too much to drink and I didn't want to get sick during Angelica's beautiful toast so I came over here, er, just in case I, you know," he made vomiting gestures then stood up straight, barely able to meet Alexander's sharp gaze.  
Silence between them. Laurens saw in Alexander's eyes instantly that he didn't believe him. He also saw confusion there, maybe even pity. Then Laurens watched as Hamilton's eyes widened when he figured out the real reason Laurens had left the reception. There was that look of pity again. Alexander stepped towards him, his hand outstretched.  
"John," he said.  
Laurens stepped back. "Don't," he said, feeling the tears return to his eyes. He turned his face away so he could recompose himself. He took a deep breath and turned to face him again. "I'm happy for you, Alexander. You are happy now, right? Because I'm happy if you're happy." This time Laurens was able to fake a fleeting smile. Alexander just looked so sad, guilty, and broken. The least Laurens could do was pretend to be happy at his closest friend's wedding.  
Alexander was quiet. His silence spoke volumes. This was the man who never shut up. He always had an opinion. People openly told him to talk less and smile more just to get him to stop talking. Finally he spoke in this terrible broken voice; "I'm so sorry, John," he said. Tears were rapidly filling Hamilton's eyes. Laurens realized with horror that Alexander was going to cry, and he had no idea what to do.  
"Alexander, come here," Hamilton complied, unable to meet Laurens's eyes. He allowed Laurens to wrap his arms tightly around him. Alexander wept softly. It was Laurens's turn to feel guilty. Who the hell makes their best friend cry on their wedding night? He gently stroked Alexander's hair for a moment, then said to him, "It's okay, Alexander, please don't cry. I promise I'm not upset. How could I be angry with you, my closest friend? Eliza loves you so much and I love you too. That could never change, even though you might not feel the same way. See? Now you have two people who love you very much, no matter what, and when you and Eliza have children, there will be more of us. Does that make you happy, Alexander?"  
"Yes," Alexander whispered, "That makes me very happy."  
"I'm glad," said Laurens. "As I said before, I'm happy if you're happy." Laurens let go of him, physically and metaphorically, the best he could. He lightly smacked him on the arm. "Now let's go back to the party. The groom shouldn't miss his own wedding reception."  
Alexander laughed. Laurens smiled his first genuine smile of the night. They walked together, arm in arm, back to the wedding reception. And even though neither man had exactly what they wanted, both felt a little more satisfied.


End file.
